So heres the situation. I havent had sex since May at IML and Ive been sexually frustrated. The reason is because of neglect and fear. I had some issues down below, and was afraid of the worst. I hesitated on getting tested for HIV, and other STDs figuring it HAD to be the reason. Finally I broke down, got tested, came out negative, and thought it was good but it would have been easier to figure out what was going on with my body if they were positive.

So now my thoughts go deeper. Could it be something even bigger and since I started the process, I may as well continue. I went to my doctors finally, and everything that I had worried about, was natural. It wasnt an STD, wasnt serious, but because of my skin condition (ichthyosis), it made my penis a bit dry and from masturbation, prevented things from healing. With some prescribed cream, Im back in business with a clean bill of health.

Awesome you say? Well now it brings be back to my frustrations. Im sexually frustrated, need sex, and not only that, Im really missing my submissive side more. For the past 2 years, Ive been more on the dominant side, or somewhere in the middle. Ive felt for the longest time that I couldnt be submissive. I had an image to uphold.

This weekend I got to connect with that side even if it was just for a short time. I was asked to do a rope bondage demo with someone I find EXTREMELY hot, someone I trust completely, and it made me realize how much I missed that connection. (btw, Thank You again)

So Im frustrated on a couple of levels now and hoping I can get what I need to get past this. Im so close but feel I need to play more, be out there, be played with, and enjoy my sexuality more as a sub. I need to learn.

The early Dore Alley Years. Seth Munter and myself demonstrating that condoms do indeed stretch, and those who say they are too big for condoms, well .... theyre just plain lying. - Thanks for the photo Seth, and bring back some memories.

What a weekend.  Like always it wasn't long enough but definitely a lot of fun.  Friday evening met a coworker for cocktails.  Saturday we went to David friends wedding followed by the SF Leather Daddys boy XXVII contest which a friend of mine won the title (congratulations Mikey Shirts aka grey pup aka giggles).  Sunday was beer bust and a lot of bar hopping (including a stop at Mr. S so David could get a singlet).  Finally yesterday, a picnic at the Botanical Gardens in Golden Gate Park where we were followed by some squirrels (seriously it was following us).  Finally cocktails around Castro that evening.  Man work comes so early and quick.

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

My other favorite part of the weekend was buying our speedos at Up The River.  If you need one_ and are in Guerneville, this is the place.

The conversation went like this

Me: can we try them on?
Dick: Sure, did you need to use the dressing room?
Me: I'm ok trying them on here, I just don't want to get you in trouble
Dick: I own the place *click* (as he locks the door).

The 4 of us have the whole place as our dressing room.



-- Sent from my Palm Pre

Forgot 2 things.   A huge thanks to David, Josh, Erik, Sean, Philip, JeanPaul, Patrick, Ryan, Tom, James, John, Jason, Matt, Klief, Tony, Mikey, Jay, Ho, and Griff for coming up.

Also a link to my photos

correct link below...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/champsf/sets/72157621939827669/

The weekend started Thursday night.  David came over for dinner, and we hit Powerhouse for their Underwear night.  I got to administer my birthday spankings to David on stage while getting sprayed with water.  Josh and Erik hung out with us and we all had a fantastic time.

Friday we headed up to the the river.  Picked up Sean and Philip and headed north.  We hit the Triple are in Guerneville about 3:30 and began the weekend.

JeanPaul, Patrick, Ryan & Tom all made it up.  I stayed in the room most of the evening and did some soul searching (with some help) and finally met everyone at the bar across the street from Rainbow Cattle Company (seems no one can remember the name).

Saturday, we had about 8 people show up on the bus to spend the day with us  It was also a Energy 92.6 event so I got 4 spanks (one for each decade) from Fernando of Fernando and Greg.  Truth be told I wasn't going to fight it but really didn't wantto do it.

We bar hopped later that night after the bus left back to SF and ended up back at the Triple are for last call.

Some high points and mishaps of the day.  We met up with Guillarmo and Larry who I got to know better.  Hopefully reconnect with them sometime.  Also met a cute playful guy named Jackson.  We got to play with him a bit.  

Mishaps, Davids favorite Swine baseball cap ended up missing (its now found).  Mikey picked up the wrong glasses which belonged to James.  James went looking and found Mikeys.  Neither new the other had them but luckily I knew both and that was squared away.

We had a quick party with a cute alligator cupcake cake.  I wish I had a photo but my camera was at the pool.

Sunday was check out.  Relaxed by the pool most of the day.  Met a few more people and headed home.

I was exhaustes from the heat.  Now back to work.

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

So as many of you know I've been in a funk when it comes to sex, sexuality, and relationships.  I feel a bit messed up in who I am, like I've been lost.  

I'm feeling pretty good lately and really looking forward to celebrating my 40th birthday at the river.  We are heading up Friday and coming back Sunday.  

First thing is to make it through the week.



-- Sent from my Palm Pre

I just saw a really cute guy on MUNI who is younger and has a receeding hairline.  He had the top longer and combed forward for bangs.  I realized in that moment I have that same hairline and no matter how much I'd like to grow my hair out, I can't.

On another note my new gadgets should be here today.  Extended battery for my Pre, case for the Pre, Bluetooth stereo headset for the Pre, oh yeah and a Harmony 670 remote to replace every remote in the house which you program by hooking it up to the computer via USB.  From what I hear, they are the best, and retailing at $150 it better be.

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

My company is currently looking for a RUBY/LAMP UI and Web Developer. If you are qualified or know someone who is qualified, let me know.

http://www.verticalresponse.com/about/jobs.html

Located near AT&T field here in San Francisco.

Crazy waking up from a dream like this.  I've dreamt violent deaths before like being in a car crash or falling off the side of a mountain, but this time it was more mellow.

I went to the doctor who gave me an injection to my chest, and told me I would die that day.

I was ok with the news but every second I felt like it could be my last.  I had to make sure I told my family how much I loved them.  They knew and loved me back.  

On a funny note I was also afraid to go to the bathroom thinking "omg I don't want my last moments to be found here" lol.

The day went by, and I lived through it however the next day was still being lived as if it was my last.  We never know when we'll die, but you never know if today will be that day.

I woke up alive but a bit weirded out...

Off to work




-- Sent from my Palm Pre

David and I took Marlena to dinner at Cafe Bistro on top of Nordstroms.  It was a good choice from where I stand.  The view is fantastic, the food delicious, the noise level wasn't overbearing, and we had a good time.

After dinner we took her to see Harry Potter on the IMAX which the 3D was a bit disappointing.  I did enjoy the movie however, as David pointed out they added some things which never happened in the book.

Finally David dropped off Marlena and dropped me off in Castro.  I hit 440 for a bit, got Nachos and went home.

This morning was relaxing.  I geeked out a bit with Wizards Of Waverly Place.  Season 1 and 2 are on watch instantly through Netflix and since we upgraded the TiVo its been great streaming it instantly to the TV.

Just got done grocery shopping.  $70 for 2 weeks of groceries is more than usual but I changed my diet a little and have lost about 5 lbs in 4 weeks.... 

Plans for the weekend... Dentist at 4:30, Emperor-ess night out after.  Tomorrow Northern California Leather Sir/boy Community Bootblack step down brunch in Hayward.... Next weekend NOTHING....
-- Sent from my Palm Pre

So Im feeling pretty good about this friendship between the 3. For those who dont know the software, Postbox has to be about the best email program out there. It will open emails in tabs rather than windows, allows you to click a button to search all attachments or photos (in all emails), create html emails (wysiwyg editor), integrates with flickr (drag and drop images), pulls contact photos for emails from you facebook friends list, and has a remarkable search capability. They have now integrated Lightin which I was unfamiliar with, but is a Calendar tool.

Lightin allows you to pull your Google calendars over so that Postbox (Lightin) is sync'd with your Google calendars. It also syncs with iCal (for you Mac users).

Being that the Palm Pre automatically syncs with Google calendar, Ive set it up so my life is now a one entry shop with autosync. I can enter an event from home, from work, from a google calendar directly, and it automatically will sync them up at all other locations and devices.

You really cant make organizing life and calendars any easier than that.

So yesterday didn't exactly go as I wanted and I was feeling pretty low most of the weekend.  Maybe its aging or my self esteem being low but I wasn't feeling sexy, hot, or desirable.  

Although I generally encourage David to go off and play, he seemed to act like he was at Mack rather than being there with me and with everything I was feeling, I was hoping for a little attention.

The pup howl didn't work for me.  The group ended up meeting outside the point we decided on which resulted with me getting left out and feeling disconnected from the group.

So I guess I may be going through my mid life crisis although it doesn't really feel that way.  I feel like I need to make some changes in my life, disconnect groups and people in order to move forward.  I feel like I need to make a fresh start as I have so many times before.  Change is coming, I can feel it, just hope its all for the better.


-- Sent from my Palm Pre

This morning has been slow getting started.  I soooo didn't want to go in to work today but forced myself.  Now I'm stuck on MUNI and not sure when Ill get there.  Should have just stayed in bed.

On another note, I haven't been looking forward to the busy'ness' this weekend is going to bring.  I've been saying how I'm ready for Dore Alley to be over, and have been called a stick in the mud.  Truth is it an exhausting weekend and I don't like the feeling after they're done.  

On a personal Palm Pre note, they released the developer kit to everyone so there should be a lot more apps fairly soon.  Top apps I'd like.

- LiveJournal
- Facebook (although the web interface is nice already)
- Flickr
- Next Bus
- and an app that will allow me to clock someones speed as they fly through the interection of Market & Castro, then automatically send it to the police for ticketing.  (I know, dream on).

PS: Still stuck on MUNI

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

Last night I attended a workshop for The Stop AIDS project to discuss where and how barebacking and unprotected sex lies. Truth be known and be real, it happens and happens often. The more we take away the barebacking, the more taboo it becomes which in turn becomes a turn on to people. No barebacking porn at IML? Ill bet the people doing it will increase in numbers.

So the discussion and the people who were there. 2 people I knew, one more old guard, and the other on the level of me in that sense. Two others to give a diverse discussion.

The basics to the discussion is barebacking, although people know the risks, really dont care if their partner is HIV pos. If it isnt discussed than its not a problem. There are people who say they always play safe yet slip and still claim that label.

The media in bars have become expected and people would notice the absence more than the fact they are there. Fear of HIV has decreased due to media, and people arent afraid to have bareback sex.

The one thing that I realized is evolution is a product of what we fight for today. The sexual freedoms we fought for, the activism to gain normalization, to seek tolorance & acceptance, has brought us to a place where the generations to come, view things as "ok".

So the question comes up on how to change it and/or do we? For me as soon as a kink loses its taboo, the less I was to do it.

I don't think I could date anyone who didn't have a Pre.  Present boyfriends excluded

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

So I sign on to Facebook this morning and receive a message from someone I know who is overseas and was robbed.  He's going through a rough time and asked to borrow money.  He wanted me to lend him money or to ask friends for money for him to borrow.

After explaining I'm flat broke till payday and even then have obligations to budget for, he got mad at me saying I don't understand his situation.  I explained it would be inappropriate to put my friends in that situation and I hate asking to borrow money for myself.

Apparently he now knows what kind of person I am.  I responded the same and left for work.

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

So I was walking down 2nd heading toward Market when I hear a skateboard coming from behind.  I look over to see a nervous old man, clench up.  Next thing I know the old man is nearly knocking the guy off the skateboard.  After a few unpleasant remarks back and forth, the kid is back on his way and the old man continues to shout obscenities as he continues to walk.

Good Times!

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

It was a great weekend but way too quick.  Friday I met up with David and his friend Jill who were making the Castro rounds.  Somehow we ended up half naked at the Edge (yeah go figure).

Saturday in the park (you know the song by Chicago) we watched the annual SF Mime Troupe performance.  Although I didn't think it was as good as it usually is, it was still pleasant and enjoyable.  

Afterwards we headed to a friends house for a  BBQ which was a lot of fun.  Lots of meat (both kinds).  Finally ended up at Marlenas which was really nice to spend time with her.  She was celebrating her 35th year of doing drag.

Finally Sunday, I hit the Eagle for beer bust.  The Defenders hosted a great afternoon.  Met some new peeps and ended the day in Castro.  
Hard to believe another weekend gone but it was fun.

-- Sent from my Palm Pre